


hurry boy it's waiting there for you

by ruthvsreality



Category: Crooked Media RPF
Genre: Discussion of Dick Size, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 16:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20048914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruthvsreality/pseuds/ruthvsreality
Summary: Dan Pfieffer has a tiny penis.





	hurry boy it's waiting there for you

**Author's Note:**

> As always, secret = safe.

When Dan Pfeiffer gets frustrated with someone, he tends to get loud. When that someone is one of his employees, he tends to get louder. When that someone is Jon Favreau, he gets loud enough to be heard down the hall. But Jon can get loud too.

They’re arguing over something trivial, something that’s probably not worthy of so much vitriol. Maybe a line from a speech. Whatever it is, it’s become a lightning rod for all of the stresses of the week, and has Jon and Dan shouting at each other about the other’s stubbornness, bullheadedness and unwillingness to compromise. The argument has devolved into name calling; Dan has strewn some papers across the room.    
  
“You know what? Get out of my office!” Dan shouts.    
  
“Fine! I’m leaving!” Jon yells back.   
  
“I wouldn’t have to yell if you weren’t being such an asshole!”    
  
“Yeah? Dan, everyone knows the real reason you’re such a hothead is because you’re fucking  _ compensating for your tiny dick!”  _ Jon’s voice really rises at the last line; he slams the door shut behind him as he walks away.    
  
The rest of the employees working around the two of them don’t even look up. The argument sounds heated, but really Jon and Dan are just blowing off steam.    
  
This is made even more apparent by Jon’s slow walk back to Dan’s office half an hour later, holding a cup of coffee and looking sheepish.    
  
“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Jon says. Dan accepts the coffee.    
  
“I’m sorry I yelled at you too. It was rude and unprofessional.” Dan steps forward and smiles at him, somehow looking up from under his eyelashes. “Truce?”    
  
“Truce. The line was better your way anyway.”    
  
“You don’t believe that, but thank you for capitulating.”    
  
Jon grins. Then his smile fades. “I’m sorry I said you were compensating. That was really rude and maybe sexual harassment?”    
  
Dan rolls his eyes. “No big deal. We’re cool, I promise.”    
  
Jon’s relief is visible in his shoulders. “Do you want to… keep working on the remarks?”    
  
Dan nods. The twinkle is back in his eye. “Yeah.”    
  
Outside, the rest of the employees roll their eyes.    
  
“They kiss and make up yet?” Lovett asks, walking back into the office. He’s carrying a little box of Dunkin’ Donut munchkins.    
  
“Couple of minutes ago,” one of the assistants says.    
  
“Cool. Looks like I came back just in time.” Lovett sets the box of munchkins down on a table and goes to pour himself a cup of coffee. 

\---

The next time is a bit nicer. Jon is over at Dan’s house, working on the President’s next speech. Dan is at the stove, boiling a pot of spaghetti. 

It has occurred to Jon that it might be a little weird to spend so much time with his boss. But Dan’s not  _ really  _ his boss, and besides, he’s Jon’s friend, and Jon really likes spending time with him. He feels good when he’s around Dan, like Superman under a yellow sun. Stronger. More whole. He’s never really felt that way with anyone else, except maybe Tommy. But that’s different. 

“Can I use your printer?” Jon asks. He likes to edit some of the particularly difficult passages of his speeches by hand; it feels more tangible, that way. 

“Sure, but it only works if you’re plugged in. Use my desktop, it’ll be easier.” Dan points to the computer in the corner of the room. 

He’s wearing his soft sweatshirt, today. The grey one, with the little elephants stitched onto the cuffs. Jon only noticed that recently. He’s considered making a comment about them being secret Republican propaganda, but he also has a feeling that those little elephants were probably put there by Dan’s grandma or something.    
  
Dan is full of those things - soft little details. 

Jon pads over to Dan’s desktop computer in the corner of the living room and pulls up the web browser. A webpage comes up. It’s something like an... advice column, or something. 

_ Hi Ruby, my boyfriend’s penis is kind of small. We’ve talked about it, and we both agree that penetrative sex isn’t doing it for me. Are there other things he can do to get me off?  _

Jon feels his face heat up. He obviously was not meant to see this. 

He turns around to make sure Dan hasn’t seen that he’s seen - Dan’s still preparing dinner. 

Jon clicks away and goes to print his own pages. 

Well. It’s good that Dan has an interest in pleasing his partners. And hey, no one gets to choose what, uh, equipment they were born with. 

He sits back down at the dinner table and begins to edit the speech, listening to Dan hum while he cooks.

\---

The third time is subtle. 

Jon is visiting Dan on one of his last weekends in DC - Dan’s pretty busy with packing up and stuff, so Jon just tags along and keeps him company while he runs errands. That’s what bros do, right? Accompany their friends while they grocery shop? 

Jon’s trying to be extra nice, too, because Dan’s leaving and Jon doesn’t want him to go but if he is going to go, he’d better text Jon a lot, and Jon has to be nice to get him to do that. 

“So, you and the boyfriend are going to be doing it long distance?” Jon asks. See? He’s being nice. Jon doesn’t particularly like Dan’s boyfriend, but if he makes Dan happy, then Jon wants him to stick around. 

“That’s the plan.” 

“But you’ll have a few days to say goodbye.” Jon clarifies. 

“Yep.” Dan looks at a bottle of shampoo and drops it in his basket. He continues walking down the aisle. 

“Then you’ll need to stock up.” Jon grins and tosses Dan a box of extra-large condoms. The size isn’t really the joke; he just grabbed a box off the shelf. 

Dan huffs a laugh and rolls his eyes, placing it back on the shelf. Though Jon has moved onto making fun of him for other reasons, he sees Dan subtly slide a box of the smaller size into his basket when he thinks Jon’s not looking.

\---

The fourth time is many years later, and it’s another argument. Well, it’s less an argument and more… Jon yelling.

Dan is staying over at Jon’s for a week or two in Los Angeles while he finds himself an apartment. San Francisco was good, but the podcast is in LA, so LA is where Dan will go. Jon is happy to have him; any situation that involves more Dan is a good one in his book. 

Dan’s a great guest, and Jon loves him, but... he plays loud music. All the time.

Loud music. And it’s late at night. And Jon has a big interview in the morning!

Jon lies in bed and listens to the steady beat of Dan’s music, listens to how it goes on and on and doesn’t let up. After a few more minutes of tossing and turning, Jon has had enough. 

He bangs his hand on the wall and shouts as loud as he can, “HEY! I HOPE YOUR LOUD MUSIC THIS LATE AT NIGHT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR TINY PENIS!” 

As soon as he says it, Jon realizes it was a very mean thing to say. But he’s so, so fucking tired. He needs to sleep.

The music shuts off immediately and Jon falls asleep within minutes. 

When Jon wakes up and wanders into the kitchen the next morning, there’s a fresh pot of coffee, and a croissant in a little bag on the countertop. 

Scribbled in Dan’s messy handwriting on a post-it are the words,  _ me and my tiny dick are sorry about last night. No more loud music. See you @ home.  _

Jon sighs and takes out the croissant and eats a bite of it. It’s chocolate. It’s good. 

Dan’s pretty great.

\---

The fifth time is on the podcast. 

“I just - we have to get everywhere we possibly can.” Jon slaps his palm against the table emphatically. “We can’t - we can’t just be satisfied with small wins, with a tiny state like Rhode Island, or something.” 

Dan grins. “Most people aren’t satisfied by Rhode Island.” He pauses. “Delaware is far more satisfying. It’s bigger.” 

Jon starts to laugh. “Well, Dan, you would know-- it’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it.” 

Dan practically coughs with how hard he’s laughing. “I would know?!” 

“You heard me.” 

Elijah is rolling his eyes behind the camera.

“Apologies to any listeners from Rhode Island,” Jon murmurs into the mic. “Or Delaware, for that matter.”

\---

The sixth time isn’t a time at all. Because Jon learns that he’s been wrong.    
  
Jon is sitting on Dan’s bed, with his shirt off, nuzzling and nipping at Dan’s neck. Dan has his shirt off, too, and he’s moving to kiss Jon. They’ve been making out for nearly an hour, now, just making quiet conversation and necking like teenagers. It’s good; it’s really good. But Jon wants more. 

“Hey,” he murmurs. His hands are on Dan’s sides. “Take your pants off. I want to see you.” 

They haven’t had sex yet. But Jon took a long shower today and he’s horny and he wants to fuck Dan, or suck him off, or any combination of those things.

“Okay.” Dan gives him another lingering kiss and stands up to take his pants off. He then takes his boxers off, stepping out of them in his cute black socks - 

“Holy shit.” 

Dan looks up. “Something wrong?” 

“Dan - you’re big.” 

Dan blinks at him. “We’re about the same height.” 

“No, I mean - your dick! It’s huge!”

Dan looks down. “Right.” He shrugs. “I know.” He doesn’t seem to be proud, or even bragging. More that it’s just another fact of life; the sky is blue, the grass is green, Dan’s cock is long and thick and  _ big _ . 

“But - you said you were small!” 

Dan raises his eyebrows. “When did I say that?”

“You - you made all those jokes!” 

Dan crosses his arms. It’s pretty funny with his massive cock sticking out like that. “No,  _ you _ made all those jokes, babe.” 

Jon swallows. “Oh.” 

“Yeah. Oh.” Dan’s giving him a little look that says  _ see what happens when we put the cart before the horse?  _

Jon ignores his embarrassment and focuses on Dan’s monster dick. “Okay, but, like. Can I still suck you off?” 

“Has anyone ever said no to that?” 

And Jon does. And turns out? He really, really loves Dan’s massive dick, because he really, really loves Dan.

\---

It’s the seventh night of the tour, and Jon and Dan are squeezed into an elevator with the rest of the guys and about a million other people. 

“Is that your cell phone, Dan,” Jon jokes quietly, “or are you just happy to see me?” 

Dan squeezes Jon close to him, pulling his hips back so he’s flush against Dan’s waist. 

“You’d know if it was my cell phone.”    
  


**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song 'Africa' by Toto.


End file.
